Day 1 - I used to be that way

I started a new book last night called "100 Days of Weight Loss" by Linda Spangle. It's not a "diet" book, but a book about changing what's going on in your head. You choose your own plan of eating. Each day there are mental exercises that get you thinking about your relationship with food. Today's exercise is designed to get you past those defeatest negative voices in our heads. "I haven't done it yet, so why do I think I can do it now?" This is stinkin' thinkin'. I smoked for 30 years, yet I quit, so not doing something in the past is not a valid reason for not doing it now.
We are to make a list of defeatest behaviors and give them a new ending. Write them as if they are true and they soon will be. Here are some of mine. I will probably add to them as the day goes on and I continue to think about this exercise.
I used to _________________________________, but now I _____________________________.

1. I used to binge eat when I felt helpless, but now I find something that needs straightening and I straighten it. (drawers, closets, etc. - all of these are within my control)

2. I used to turn a slip up into a full-flown binge, but now I forgive myself and just get back on track.

3. I used to snack while at the computer, but now I keep a bottle of water there instead.

4. I used to use food to procrastinate doing tasks I don't like, but now I set the timer for 15 minutes and just get the task started. (I found that getting started was the part I really hated.)

5. I used to punish myself for failures, but now I find reasons to reward myself.

6. I used to be my own worst enemy, but now I am learning to be my own best friend.

The book instructs me to think about these things often during the day. When a negative thought creeps in, it is to immediately be replaced by:

"I used to be that way, but now I'm different."

Diets don't work?

Actually most diets do work - while you're on them. I'm reading a book right now called the "Diet Survivors Handbook." I'm not really finding anything new in it as yet. I know that until I change my relationship with food, I am never going to be able to get rid of this weight. So I read, hoping to find the magic bullet. You know what? There isn't one. My issues with food began long ago when I was a kid. Somewhere I learned that food would fix any hurt, celebrate any joy, fill any void. It's chic these days to blame parents who used food as a reward. I really don't think that's the problem. Lots of kids had parents who bribed them with food. Not all of them became obese. And anyway, I'm a big girl now. I am the one who decides what I put in my mouth.

Another good one is to blame people who enable us by putting food in front of us that isn't "on our diet." Unless these people are actually shoving it in your mouth, it's not an excuse. We enable ourselves. When someone "talks" us into eating something, it's more a matter of them echoing what we are already telling ourselves. If a big piece of liver was sitting in front of me, there isn't a person in the world who could bribe, cajole, or threaten me into eating it. I think inside each of us is a bit of the little kid that never grew up. And for each of us it is manifested in different issues in our lives. For some it's food, for some it's people pleasing, and for some it's workaholism or some other "ism." We use those "isms" to rebel when we feel helpless, to comfort ourselves when we're lonely, to substitute for the positive reinforcement we may not receive when we badly need it. For those of us with food issues, we often "wear" the manifestation. Long after we may have healed our relationship with food, we still wear the armor that labels us.

Lately, the stinkin' thinkin' that has crept into my brain goes something like this: "You're old anyway. Even if you lose the weight, your "pretty" days are behind you." But you know what, I don't spend a large part of my day worrying about being pretty. That was a focus for a different time in my life. Now I am more concentrated on longevity, on health, on being able to move around - and excess weight isn't good for any of that. As Jinx, Diane,Ida and many others who read my blog have pointed out - weight robs me of time, of choices, of quality of life. I love spending time with the grandkids. I love making soap, candles, and quilts. That's what I need to think about when I'm tempted to indulge in what I want now instead of what I really want for my life.

Anyway, that's where my head is at today. Have a great weekend!

I love Thursdays

I don't know why I love Thursdays - I just do.
Probably because I usually have nothing planned and it's a kind of "my day."
I'm still battling the food demon. I tend to be an emotional eater and when I don't feel like I'm being taken care of, that's how I cope. I am trying to re-program my thinking so that I deal with things in a more practical way, but it's hard and some days I don't quite get there. But I think I'm making progress in learning to give myself what I need instead of looking for it from others.

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I think today I need to get rid of the gray. While I am waiting for Miss Clairol to work her magic, I am going to do a workout video. My commitment to exercise has been seriously lacking and a lot of it is my "all or nothing" mentality. If it isn't 45 minutes outdoors, it isn't worth doing. Rubbish. Any movement is good and it is consistency that counts. So, off I go.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

We got home last night in time for me to watch the weigh-ins. Good job gang! I'm glad no one had to go home. I haven't been able to see the first part of the episodes so far so I'm not really connected all that much with the characters. Apparently there are some negative feelings toward Julio and I have no idea what that's all about.

My weigh-in was pretty good. I'm down 3.2 for a percentage of .013

It is Tuesday - :)

I am so bummed. I won't be able to see Biggest Loser tonight. It will be the first time I have ever missed an episode. Can't even tape it because of the digital switchover. drats!!! Guess I'll have to check it out online tomorrow morning.

A new season of Biggest Loser begins

Last night began Season 8 of Biggest Loser. There is no family challenge going on. I miss having the family support. This season I am going to align myself with the contestants. I will weigh in on Wednesday mornings and report my percentage and compare it with the weigh-ins from the previous night.

I've been researching various plans. My favorite is Atkins, but I just can't seem to stick to it. But I need some kind of carb controlled plan. My joints have been aching and I know it is the sugar I have been consuming. For me, sugar is an inflammatory and the hard reality is that I am going to have to cut it out of my life. I have finally decided on the Belly Fat Cure. It limits sugar to 15 grams and total carbs to 120. That seems doable for me.

So my initial weigh-in 133

For now, my exercise is going to have to be limited to weights because my left foot is giving me grief. Getting off sugar should take care of that.

Since the digital switch, I can't tape the episodes of Biggest Loser any more. :( I have a meeting on Tuesday nights so I will be missing the first hour each week. But my great daughter-in-law said she would tape that for me. Next week I will miss it entirely because we have a wedding to attend.

Blah, Blah, Blah

I am so tired of dealing with this whole eating issue. I can't seem to stick to anything. Right now I am experimenting with "Intuitive Eating." The book is coming (I love Amazon used books!). I know that for me the issue isn't diet. It's why I eat. I know that a lot of my eating patterns were developed in childhood. When I was 12, my mother died - and eating is how I coped. But that default coping mechanism was in place before my mother died. In my young adult years, I dealt with the whole thing by smoking. Since I quit in 2000, I have been in a free-fall with this eating disorder. Everyone has problems, but people who have issues with food get to "wear" it and everyone can see. And everyone makes judgements. And everyone thinks they know what your problem is. And everyone judges your success in life by your size. And they do treat you differently.

Right now I am in a holding pattern with my weight. But I also have several mental issues going on. At my age, even if I were to lose the weight, I would have so much sagging skin. But that can be dealt with (and covered up.) When I look in the mirror, I am always surprised to see an aging fat woman. It's not how I see myself. I tend to be stuck thinking I am in my 40s and slightly overweight. But still and all, of all the crosses I could be bearing in life, I guess I would take this one.

Feeling the hunger

I got out on the road at about 10:30. It was great; a little warmer than yesterday.

I started reading one of the books I ordered. I can't think of the name at the moment, but it's by Geneen Roth. The chapter I'm reading talks about knowing what hunger feels like. I don't very often get hungry. I should say, I don't let myself get hungry very often. The exercise in this chapter is to keep track of when you eat and whether you are hungry. So today I actually felt hungry twice!

Renewed and refreshed

I ended up going outside for my workout yesterday. It felt great to get outside. Food wasn't as good as it could have been, but not nearly as bad as it has been.
I got out on the road at 8:30 this morning and my route was a little different. I went to Sam's (dropped off some baby formula) and then down the deadend and back. Checked the garden when I got back. Found a tomato. The rest are all still green. Lots of peppers, squash, and pumpkin.

Is it fall yet?

It sure feels like it. Many schools are starting, or getting ready to. Several of the Shepherd students have been posting about Cross Country. It's September. A time for a new beginning. I am sitting here in my workout clothes so I will be doing something today. I'm not sure yet if it will be indoors or outdoors. It's gorgeous out!

I have an Amazon credit card and I ordered several books on compulsive eating disorder. I am so ready to deal with this. But I am not going to set any grandiose goals. I know myself too well. Tomorrow I could be AWOL again. But for today I am going to try my darndest to stay on track.