It's a warm muggy day and I didn't go out this morning.
I am on day 4 of food being in its place. I have discovered that the joy of keeping food in its place far outweighs the momentary gratification of that compulsive episode. It takes an incredible amount of mental discipline, but I'm thinking that the longer I do it, the easier it will become. At the moment I have clicked into a place where I am fairly comfortable most of the time. I check the scale daily, but only as a barometer of how I am doing with portion sizes. It is no longer a symbol of success or failure because this journey is about so much more than getting to a number on the scale. It is about reclaiming my life.
People who are not compulsive eaters could never understand that, in the same way that people who have never smoked can't possible understand what drives people to cigarettes. When I finally quit smoking for the last time, it was because I finally understood that I simply could not ever have "just one." And I haven't. Not one puff in almost 10 years. I would have to say that it was probably a couple of years before a day would go by when I wouldn't "mourn" the loss. But now I very rarely think about it, and never with the thought that I would ever want to go back. With food, it is a little different. You just can't quit food cold turkey. In OA I learned to define "abstinence" with food in terms of setting parameters. For me those parameters are accountability (logging my intake into my food software), limits (roughly 1600 calories), and time frames (4 meals spaced roughly 3 hours apart). If my food does not meet these qualifications, I am not abstinent.
Although it may sound constricting to have these limits, it's actually a very freeing process. It eliminates the bargaining, the arguing, and the rationalizing.
I am still more preoccupied with food than I would like to be, but not nearly as much as when there were no parameters. If an ANT pops into my head I say "no" and take three deep breaths. Interestingly enough, that was the same modus operandus that I used when I was quitting smoking. Hmmmmmm, only took me 10 years to have that occur to me.