Day 58: 100 Days Challenge - Heart Hunger

Well, I got all but 2 things done from today's list. I didn't get my candles made and I didn't get a chance to do my zone work. I did, however, get a very unique workout. This was a bit of serendipity. To back up a little, Monday and Tuesday are Madison days and she arrives around 8:00. I was good at getting up really early for a while but then I would fall asleep and be tired all day. Clayton and Claire are here for a couple of hours in the afternoon Tuesday-Friday. I had planned to workout after they went home. Melisa needed to work a little later so I decided that I would go outside with the kids and do what I could to get my heart rate going. Little Claire got tired after the first 10 minutes and asked me to pull her in the little read wagon. That kept my heart rate up, but walking with one hand pulling was a bit tiresome. Then Clayton decided he wanted a turn to be pulled. I had a brainstorm. Harold has this really big resistance band that he is no longer using for his back therapy. I hooked it through the wagon handle and was able to pull both kids with the weight equally distributed in front of me. I pulled them up and down the road and they thought it was really cool. I got a better workout than I did last night on the treadmill. Go me!!!

Today's topic - Heart Hunger
Heart Hunger is a feature of an emptiness inside. I suspect that my first problems with weight came from this kind of eating. Things in my childhood contributed to this. My mom died with I was twelve. My dad died 34 years ago today, 10 days after our wedding. Yes, I suspect that this is the type of emotional eating that causes me the most problems. I was watching Biggest Loser tonight and Jillian was trying to get Victoria to figure out what got her to 358 pounds. Victoria couldn't name it right away, but she eventually came up with the revelation that it was because she didn't deserve to live life any differently - that she wasn't a good enough daughter. That resonated with me. I have always beat myself up for not being a good enough (6 years old - room cleaner)(8 years old - daughter) (12 years old - daughter and big sister) (14 years old - student, musician, stepdaughter, friend). As the years went by the list got longer. Lately the one "not good enough thing" in my life is being a mother. I look back and see how I could have done so much better. But I can't change it. The kids will have their issues with me and they may or may not forgive, or they may or may not forget, but I can't do a single thing to change the past. I need to decide to stop punishing myself. And I think that's what I've been doing. I have to stop doing that because even though I'm not a perfect daughter, mother, sister, friend, musician, wife, etc. I am still me. I wouldn't punish my worst enemy the way I have been punishing me. Sheesh. I think I just had a Jillian break through.

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