It's all in your mind.

I've been on a slippery slope the last couple of days. My focus is slipping - part of it is due to the trip coming up. I don't do well with spontaneity and the unexpected. When I was working at the school, I had an established routine. Now that Harold and I are both around the house more, I am still having trouble adjusting. I like to have a morning routine. I get up, I blog, I workout, then I get on with my day. Now I often find Harold on the computer when I get up and there's nothing wrong with that, but it throws me off. I see the same tendencies in my grandson. We both need to learn to be more flexible.

The state of the world is also affecting my focus. And not only that, it's in my face 24/7. It's there when I turn on the radio, it's there when I turn on the TV, it's there when I open my email. If I refuse to think about it 24/7 and if I refuse to wallow in misery, I am accused of sticking my head in the sand. I am such a wimp when it comes to defending myself. I have to get angry before I will do anything and I refuse to live my life in a state of anger. I don't feel as if there are many people I can trust. Recently I had an incident where something I confided to a friend was brought up and thrown in my face to prove a point. That was, to me, the ultimate betrayal and you can bet it won't be happening again. I don't like games, and I don't like constant drama. I have never named names when it comes to people in my life who are causing me grief, so if you are reading this and think I am referring to you, then maybe you need to ask yourself why it is striking a chord with you. I will not - I repeat - WILL NOT censor my blog anymore. I am tired of second guessing myself with regard to what I write. This is MY blog.

As they say in OA - my recovery has to be my top priority because without it, I am useless in serving others. I struggle with this because I don't put myself first easily, and I have been conditioned to feel as if putting myself first is selfish. But I can't be there for others if I don't take care of me. That doesn't mean I concentrate only on myself and my needs - it means I do what I need to do so that I can offer my best to others.

Recently our bishop spoke at one of our Lenten soup suppers. The theme was social justice. He said something to the effect that we need to be good stewards of our time, to make sure we take care of our needs and the needs of our families so that we are there to help others. I took this to mean that we do what needs to be done. Others who heard it interpreted it to mean that we take care of ourselves to the exclusion of other people. I found that interesting. Given the bishop we have, or rather had (he's been named Archbishop and will soon be leaving us), I don't know how anyone could have misconstrued what he said.

Anyway, enough of that. I needed to vent and I've been suppressing that for several weeks. No more!

I am off to go for a walk on this blessedly chilly morning.
Later.
***********************************************
Daily stats:
Workout type: walk/jog
Route: Deadend/Brown's path
Distance: 2 miles
Time: 32 minutes
Average HR: 120
Maximum HR: 142
Calories burned:315
Temperature: 63 degrees
Challenge for the day: Remembering the promise
Thoughts:
Great workout today! I'm using my Momentum HRM at the moment and I think I like it better than the Sigma. It's much more accurate at tracking calories and it doesn't lose data unless it is removed from the chest strap. I think this is the one I will take to Alaska.

Sunday Weigh-in - June 28, 2009

Well, I took a side road again this week. I am up a pound at 228.8. I've strayed a bit with food, not the type, but the amount. I am eating when I'm not really hungry. I think I'm a little stressed (but also excited) about our 3 week trip. I've never been away from home that long and it makes me nervous. So much of my life is intertwined with the family and we'll be away quite a while. However, the trip has absolutely nothing to do with today. It's back to that old "dimple in the golf ball" thing - just focusing on what I need to do today. Normal people don't get this, but I'm betting that most of my readers do. (not that you aren't normal, but that you probably share the same struggle). Anyway, from now until we leave, I am only going to focus on what I need to do TODAY. My short term goal is to be fully back on track when we leave for Alaska.

The good news is that when I began this lap, I set up a spread sheet for weight loss. I am exactly on target. Of course before today, I was ahead of the game but that's okay. According to my spread sheet, I should finish my first lap of the journey on September 15. Focus Focus Focus!!!!!

Dog days of summer

Was it just a couple of weeks ago that we were complaining about the cold? I don't really mind days like this if I don't have to be around people. However, I did not get outside this morning. It was just tooooooooo hot.

Daily stats:
Workout type: walk/jog
Route: Deadend/back
Distance: 2 miles
Time: 30 minute117
Maximum HR: 132
Calories burned:225
Temperature: 81 degrees

Challenge for the day: Remembering the promise
Thoughts:
Hot and humid here again today. It's already 81 degrees. Harold rigged fans again so it's not too bad in the house. We don't want to put in the air conditioner until we get back from Alaska.

Summer has arrived

Morning update:
It's hot and humid here in mid-Michigan. At the moment the temp is 66 so Harold has rigged up fans to pull in the cool air. I'm headed out for my walk/jog.
Updates later.

Note to Ida: Thanks, Sweetie - I really appreciate the support!! (The scale was back down this morning.)

Daily stats:
Workout type: walk/jog
Route: Leaton/Peak's/back
Distance: 2 miles
Time: 32 minutes
Average HR: 122
Maximum HR: 137
Calories burned:250
Temperature: 68 degrees

Challenge for the day: Remembering the promise
Thoughts:
It was muggy out this morning. The workout felt great, but it was warm. I took a different route today - I went west instead of east.

Sunday weigh-in-June 14, 2009 - Happy Father's Day

227.8 That's up .8 from last Sunday. I'm not exactly sure why because when I weighed in yesterday, it was a new low. Oh well, I do not get bent about what's on the scale when I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to. I'm headed out for a walk/jog in a few minutes.

Hope Floats

I'm not sure if I mentioned that I am part of a challenge run by Jinx(Deb) at "Finding the Runner in Me." We have all been assigned froggies. The name of the challenge is "Hope Floats." As we take off the pounds, our little froggies float a little higher. My poor little froggie lost ground this week. But that's okay. It wasn't much and the general trend is downward. I set a weight loss schedule for myself based on a slow and steady loss of .2 pounds per day. That would put me at goal on Sept 11, 2010. It would be nice to be able to mark that date with something positive rather than what we all remember on that date. I set up a spread sheet to project my progress and so far I am ahead of schedule. I have set a very slow loss because at my age skin doesn't shrink as well (if at all). I don't want to lose weight only too look like a shriveled up prune. LOL!

I'm headed out for a run this morning. I am going to attempt to jog the whole way, but we will see what happens.
*********************************************
Daily stats:
Workout type: walk/jog
Route: Deadend/back
Distance: 2 miles
Time: 32 minutes
Average HR: 123
Maximum HR: 137
Calories burned:230
Temperature: 68 degrees
Challenge for the day: Remembering the promise
Thoughts:
I don't know why it's so hard to make myself get out in the mornings. I feel so great when it's done. You would think that would be motivation enough. Oh, well, I got out there this morning. I didn't jog the whole way, though. Soon enough. Soon enough.

Check up results

Well, I saw Lisa yesterday (nurse practitioner) and she was very pleased with my progress. I was down 5 pounds from the last visit, my numbers were good and she says I'm doing exactly what I need to do to avoid the complications of diabetes.

To make the day even better, on the way home Sam called to let me know that little Madison had arrived. I went home to drop of my stuff and join Harold to go back up there. I can't describe what it was like to see my youngest choked up over the birth of his and Kelli's little one. There just aren't any words.

We, of course, took pictures and I was pleased to see that the one of Madison and me turned out well. I can see that the bloat in my face is slowly disappearing. For now I take joy in the little things - like grandbabies. LOL!

I love Mondays - and now I'll tell you why!!!

I think today is going to be a very good day.
I was up early today for some reason. I misread the alarm clock so here I am - posting away. I have another Dr. appointment this afternoon to see how I'm doing with my blood sugar. I'm embarrassed to tell Lisa that I went through my first prescription so fast due to totally misunderstanding how often I was supposed to test. This looks like a lovely morning to get outside for a workout. The temperature is 51 - a little chilly for the middle of June, but just right for a run (or a walk/jog) LOL! Back later.

Update and breaking news:
Perhaps you noticed a new theme to my blog today.
Okay, here is what I didn't tell you this morning. At 5:45 am Sam called to tell us that Kelli's water broke and they were at the hospital. At about 3:30 pm he called to tell me that little Madison Marie was born. 6 lbs 15 oz. 20" long. She was born at 2:18 pm.

*******************************************************

Sunday weigh-in-June 14, 2009

227 today. That's down 3.8 from last Sunday. I'm looking forward to getting out of the 220s. I'm not seeing much in the way of change. I did notice something, though. You know how when you wash your jeans, when you first put them on they're a little snug for a few minutes? Mine aren't so that's a bit of a non scale victory.

It's amazing to me how we don't really see ourselves as we are. It's always a shock to see myself in pictures. It's not at all how I see myself - I still have a picture of myself from 15 years ago. And that this is a temporary weight gain. It's been temporary for quite a while now. But then I look at old pictures when I used to think I was so big and see that I really wasn't.

I used to "diet" for an event, the most recent being the weddings of our kids. One's been married 7 years, one 4 years, and one 2 years. I never even made a dent in my loss. I know now that one can't diet for an event and hope to keep it off. I now look at my way of eating as a permanent change. I finally feel sane around food. I know longer look at foods in terms of cheating or not cheating. For me that is setting myself up for failure. I have a way of eating that is my norm. Occasionally I eat something that is not the norm. This eliminates the all or nothing mentality that has dogged me for years. (I cheated, might as well live it up and start again tomorrow.) In a way, the diagnosis of insulin resistance has been a huge blessing. It removes a lot of the gray areas that have caused me to never find my way to the end of the path.

Tuning out the Nattering Naybobs of Negativity

I wrote on my other blog about self-doubt, fear, and other obstacles that get in our way. I was listening to a program about this. One of the analogies was that of a golfer and focusing on the dimples in the ball to tune out the "noise." That's kind of where I have evolved with this whole weight loss thing. I have had discouraging comments made to me. To be fair, I have vowed over and over to get rid of this weight - that is true. But telling someone "you haven't done it yet, what makes you think you're going to do it now," isn't really helpful in any way. Someone actually said that to me. And it hurt. But worse, I have said it to myself. What I do now is just quash thoughts and comments by focusing on my little runner girl. I don't even look at the poundage lost except in terms of being able to move her farther down the road. And what is interesting is that while I have been focusing on the "dimples in the ball" my goal has moved ever closer.

Sometimes I love the feeling that I have a secret. My weight loss thus far is not showing. When we are losing weight there seems to be a point where suddenly everyone notices. In a way, I am dreading that because sometimes that can have a negative effect. I can think I have arrived, when I am still really on the journey. But that is when I will shift my gaze to the little running girl. I am enjoying the journey so there really is no reason to rush it.

I did a 10 minute stint from one of my workout videos. They are short little workouts that you can do when you don't have the time or the inclination to do a full workout. My intent this week is to do at least "something" every day, whether it be a stint or a run.

Wishing you all well in your journey.

***************************************************

And she's off . . . . . . . .

See my little running girl? She has passed the halfway mark on lap one of my personal marathon. You don't get numbers until Sunday, but I move my little runner each time I hit a new low - no matter what day it is. I am going to have to be much more disciplined in going to bed before midnight. I think I procrastinate going to bed because those couple of hours are all mine. No phone calls, etc. But I get up too late in the morning to get outside. So that's what I'm working on.

Daily stats:
Workout type: walk/jog
Route: Deadend/brown's path/back
Distance: 2 miles
Time: 32 minutes
Average HR: 121
Maximum HR: 144
Calories burned:250
Temperature: 51 degrees
Challenge for the day: Remembering the promise
Thoughts:
It was nice out this morning. I saw a lot of deer tracks, but no deer. It's still very chilly for June. Wonder if it will warm up by the time summer is officially here!

The water weight from Saturday's MSG fest is finally gone. I ran out of lancets last week and couldn't figure out why I hadn't received my refills. Turns out I am only supposed to test once a day. I went through them too fast. Today was a fasting blood sugar day and it was 104. Higher than I'd like it, but not as bad as I feared.

Now I just need to get back into the exercise groove.

Harold bought a camera yesterday for our Alaska trip. He took some candid shots of me (and still he lives) and I wasn't too thrilled with the pics. It's a neat camera though.

Sunday weigh-in - June 7, 2009

230.8
Ugh, I'm up 2.6 this week. We had a wedding yesterday - lots of Oriental food and a table full of my nemesis - Chocolate. Add to that the fact that I messed up on my meds this week and also ran out of lancets and test strips. (Not excusing myself here, because I should have sucked it up and toughed it out.) Anyway, back on track today. I will not eat ice cream and cake at Kelli and Sam's today. Not even the no sugar added kind. I need to remember that this isn't about vanity any more.

Yesterday morning, I headed up to Island Park in Mt. Pleasant. Melisa has been coaching a group of girls from Shepherd in the "Girls on the Run" program. I have been watching Clay and Claire 2 times a week since the program started. It was a totally cool event. Hundreds of little girls with hair spray painted all kinds of colors participated. I couldn't find Melisa until the race started and the groups were called. But then I wasn't looking for a blue-haired Melisa. I even missed seeing my little buddy Alli Peak because I didn't recognize her with her rainbow colored hair. It was great to see Melisa running with her group of girls. A year ago she couldn't have done it because of her health. I think I would like to run with the girls next year. We shall see.

Duh!!!!

Morning update:
The last few days I have experienced the return of cravings and my weight going up along with my glucose readings. I couldn't figure out why. Then as I fell asleep last night it came to me. I keep all of my supplements and meds in a big ceramic strawberry. I fill my weekly pill container from it. But . . . I keep my metformin separate because I have to take it at night too. I didn't put my morning dose in my pill keeper because it wasn't in the strawberry. So I had inadvertently decreased my dosage. I guess a medication only works if you take it.
*************************************************
Daily stats:
Workout type: walk/jog
Route: Deadend/stone pile/back
Distance: 1.5 miles
Time: 27 minutes
Average HR: 119
Maximum HR: 133
Calories burned:206
Temperature: 62 degrees
Challenge for the day: Remembering the promise
Thoughts:
Beautiful day out today!

Well, as predicted, the scale was down this morning. Isn't that always the way? But that's okay. I finally feel like a normal person when it comes to food. I can't ever remember feeling that way. When I smoked, the cigarettes kept me from eating - that's the closest I ever remember to feeling normal when it came to food.

Daily stats:
Workout type: walk/jog
Route: Deadend/stone pile/back
Distance: 2 miles
Time: 312 minutes
Average HR: 122
Maximum HR: 140
Calories burned:239
Temperature: 49 degrees
Challenge for the day: Remembering the promise
Thoughts: The walk (and yes, I walked most of the way, was great.