I found a book today when I stopped at Rite Aide. It caught my eye because it wasn't a diet book. Do any of us need a diet book? Can't we recite backwards and forwards the rules and regulations of every diet out there? How many times have we bought a diet book and the first chapter gives the nitty gritty and then the rest of the book is recipes and food lists. I don't know about you, but I don't need to be told what to eat. I know what to eat. My problem is that no matter what I eat, I eat too much of it. Here are some promises on the back cover of this book:
Give up dieting forever
Learn to use food as a fuel rather than a tranquilizer
Relax around food and find your way to your natural weight
Move beyond constant thoughts of eating and weight in order to live a more satisfying life.
As I read the list of promises I found myself feeling uneasy. Why uneasy? I had to think about it for a while because all of those promises are promises of freedom. I think it's because all of those promises take me into unfamiliar territory. I have no frame of reference for them. I cannot think of a time in my life from my teens onward when I wasn't thinking about dieting, when I wasn't using food as a tranquilizer, when I was relaxed around food, when I wasn't constantly thinking about eating or about my weight. My weight battle is a familiar struggle. My "fat" suit is a buffer. I can blame every bad thing in my life on my weight - and when the weight is gone, life will be great. The truth is that if life isn't great now, losing weight isn't going to make it great. It will only enhance what is already there - good or bad.
I am trying to imagine a life where my first waking thought isn't "have I lost or gained?" "Did I get away with what I ate yesterday, or will the scale reward me for my sacrifices?"
I often call myself a fraud. And I think deep down I know the truth about myself. I talk a good game, to myself, about how I'm going to change, but then I don't follow through. I don't treat other people this way, but it's how I treat myself.
I have joined 2 weight loss challenges and I have weighed in with a gain at all of the weigh-ins. What is going on in my head? If anyone else treated me this way I would call them on it in a New York minute.
I am going to start the book today and see if I can find something that will help me with my real problem - not what I eat, but why I eat.