I am totally fed up with this whole weight thing. I am tired of talking about what I'm going to do and then never actually doing it. This blog is going in a new direction. I will be posting it each evening - during the time I am usually fighting with myself over food issues. I am hoping that this accountability will help me to keep the promises I have made to myself for years - and have never kept. I think there is an underlying thought pattern that says I am not worth it. This lie has been simmering in my brain for years. It IS a lie. I AM worth it. And I am going to start treating myself as such.
I am hoping that my blog will serve as an inspiration to others - particularly women my age, who may have given up or think "what the heck, I'm old anyway - who cares?" The truth is, lots of people care. My husband cares, my kids care, my grandkids care, my friends care - people care. They may not be the best at articulating that care, but it is there. My bad habit of letting worry over other people derail my own efforts has to be seen for what it is. I think on some level I feel guilty if things are going well for me and not for others. But,the truth is, if I am not taking care of myself, I am inflicting a burden of concern on others. I may not be able to do anything about their circumstances or worries in their lives, but I certainly don't need to add to their burdens by giving them reason to be concerned about me and my health. And if there is something I can do, wouldn't I be better served in taking care of myself so I can offer the best I have to give?
I woke up this morning and had a long talk with God about my situation. I know that he wants the best for me and will help me if I ask him. I just need to keep him in the picture. Each day will begin and end in a conversation with God. All success will serve to give glory to God. In OA this is referred to as our "Higher Power." That title doesn't work for me - it's too impersonal - but the concept is the same. What we can't do alone - and God knows, I haven't succeeded in doing it alone - God will help us with it. So with that said, tonight I will be posting my blog in it's new accountability format.
To those of you who are so faithful about leaving me comments, please know that I answer them when I can, but for some reason Blogger does not let me do it here or on certain other blogs. I appreciate the support and invite you to join me in this journey. If you wish to email me, you can click on the email link in my profile. Please put "Journey" in the subject line so I know where the email is coming from.
Hugs to all who share this unique challenge in life!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I am so disgusted with myself. I cannot seem to get a handle on this eating. I can’t stop. I’ve prayed for help. Still I stuff food down. It’s like there is this huge void and I need to fill it fast or be consumed by it. I feel best when following Atkins, but I get so far and then it’s like someone else takes over my body. I can’t seem to get control for longer than a week or so. Today I am starting again. It is 31 degrees out. I am going out for a walk. Not a run - who am I kidding. But someday soon I will be running again.
I am 57. That’s pushing 60. It is unbelievable to me that I am that old. I look back at journals from the 1980’s and I am saying the same thing. “This will be the year. This year I am going to get to goal.” So why isn’t it happening? I can’t even look forward to being pretty anymore. The truth is, I am an old lady - but I can’t seem to believe it. I wonder what people think when they come to our house and see all of the workout videos and things. Do they chuckle to themselves and think “someone’s in denial?”
Well, the past is the past. I can do nothing about it. I can’t change a thing. My first order of business will be to formulate a plan of action”
Action Plan for the rest of March:
1. Begin the day with prayer asking God for help throughout the day.
2. 1600 calories per day
3. 30 minutes of some kind of exercise per day
4. 40 - 60 carbs per day
5. One rest stop per week
6. Two servings of vegetables per day
7. Set a goal for April 1.
8. Plan a reward for reaching that goal
9. Limit eating to 3 meals and one snack per day and log it
10. Prayer of Thanksgiving to God for guiding me through my day.
This morning’s walk was great. As I was going out the door I asked Harold if it was raining. He said, “nope, it’s too cold to rain.” My jacket is covered with “snow drops.” The dead-end is going to be a real mess once it starts to thaw. I am going to have to re-think my routes. The trucks have been leaving huge ruts (new owners of the adjacent farm)
I walked practically the whole route. I am so out of shape that it takes very little effort to get my heart rate into the zone. But with persistence comes progress. And I am nothing if not persistent.
My challenge for the day is to keep my eating in the confines of my plan for March. I am a grazer. I can eat phenomenal amounts of food, but not at one sitting. Today’s challenge is actually one of the steps in my plan of action. But it’s one I have to take one day at a time. When I quit smoking, my habit of picking up a cigarette became a habit of putting food in my mouth. I’m glad that I was able to quit smoking years ago, but I have never found the substitute for whatever it was that smoking did for me. They say that each of us has a God-shaped void inside. Maybe it’s that void I have been trying to fill with other things. That will be my prayer for tonight - to let God fill that void. Sounds simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. If so, I would have conquered this demon long ago.
It’s about 7:30 and I am doing fine. No cravings, no temptations. I’m a little over on calories, but not bad. The first day is always a little easier in some ways. The excitement of beginning again, the new resolve. The feeling that this time will be the time. I had no stressors today so I didn’t expect to have any problems tonight. I’m working on Claire’s quilt so that will keep me out of the kitchen. Tonight I am going to begin cutting the pieces for the baby quilt I’m making for Sam and Kelli’s expected little one.
Route: Deadend and back, woods and back.
Time: 30 minutes
Average HR 121
Maximum HR 134
Total carbs: 58
Total calories: 1700
Challenge for the day: Eating only planned meals and snack
Goal for April 1: 229
Breakfast: Café latte, oatmeal and peanut butter - second café latte
Lunch: Chicken salad wrap, cauliflower and broccoli, a couple of pork rinds, cup of sugar free pudding with squirt of whipped cream on top.
Snack: Atkins bar
Dinner: 2 egg omelette with 1 slice swiss cheese, 2 oz macadamia nuts