A little soul searching if you please

Weight: 234.8
Down 1.4 from last Wednesday
BMI: 38.54
Day 6

Daily stats:
Average HR:
Maximum HR:
Total carbs:
Total calories:
Challenge for the day: Staying the course - just for today - please
Goal for April 1: 229

Menu Accountability:
Breakfast: Cafe Latte - Beachgirl's cheesecake

Morning update:
After posting my evening update last night I ate. I don't know why I ate. I don't even know if I was hungry. Yesterday was a fairly good day, but at night I was feeling bad and I don't know why. And I don't know why I always think food will fix it. I was tempted to not even post today, but I can't be dishonest about this. I watched Biggest Loser the other night and watched the Black Team pig out on their luxury trip. I couldn't understand how they could do that to themselves. And yet I do it to myself all the time - a classic case of projection. I don't know when I will get my workout in today. but I will get one in. I am so sick of constantly breaking my own promises to myself. I wouldn't do that to anyone I cared about, or even someone I don't care about, so why do I do it to myself? On the Biggest Loser, Jillian often tells the people that unless they can look at the underlying reasons for doing what they do, they will continue to do it. I don't know why I constantly sabotage myself, why I undermine myself day after day, year after year. I don't need a kick in the pants. I need to know why I can't care enough about myself to do what I know I need to do.

I have had this battle with food for as long as I can remember. I was fairly active as a kid so I could get away with it - for a while. After my mother died, it became harder. Food was my way to cope. In high school, while other kids were sneaking a cigarette in the girls' john or passing joints around, my drug of choice was M&Ms. They still are, along with anything else that happens to be around when I'm feeling bad - or good - or happy - or sad - or lonely - or tired. I don't understand why I could quit smoking after 30 years and I still can't get a handle on this.

But I'm going to try another day, and another, and another. I may fail time and time again, but I never give up. By God, I never give up.

Afternoon update:

Evening update:


  1. It's so hard isn't it? I haven't always had issues with food, but I do eat bad foods - and LOTS of it - when I'm stressed or sad.

    The thing is, we need food to live. We can't just do without it - like smoking or drinking alcohol. It's a battle sometimes. Just keep fighting and trying to understand why you do what you do and what triggers you're overeating.

    You're so worth the battle, girl! (((HUGS)))

  2. *hugs* I don't have the "right" thing to say, but I wanted to be supportive to you anyway.

    :o ) Some people only ever see food just as food. For them, it is never anything more, so they don't struggle with it. For those of us who eat poorly when wrestling with emotional demons, it is much more complicated. Once a bad habit sets in, it can be a pain in the rear to get rid of.

  3. Quitting smoking was easy compared to this! I think it's because we can't just do away with all food. We have to eat to live. Unfortunately many of us live to eat. *sigh* Oh to be skinny again!

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